Funny Quotes for Unstoppable Laughter

Funny quotes- Welcome to a world of nonstop laughing, where a grin, a giggle, or a full-blown fit of hilarity is guaranteed with every page turn. We’ve carefully chosen these Funny quotes that will tickle your funny bone and have you in stitches in this collection of hilarious sayings.

Although life can be unpredictable, humour can be a reliable ally, providing lightness at difficult times and cheer on gloomy days. These pages contain a carefully curated collection of clever, Funny quotes, and plain hilarious quotes that provide an escape ticket to happiness and entertainment.

These quotes are here to guarantee a wonderful voyage, whether you’re looking for a fast pick-me-up, a good laugh, or just a little escape into the realm of humour. These wordsmiths, who range from well-known figures to anonymous wits, spin tales of humour and wit that are sure to make people smile, chuckle, and laugh out loud.

So grab your spot and get ready for a hilarious ride! Prepare to enter a universe where each quotation is a hilarious nugget of wisdom that has been handpicked to spread happiness and good cheer. We offer you this compilation of quotes that delivers on its promise: every one of them will make you laugh uncontrollably and uncontrollably.

“I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink two times a year – when it’s my birthday and when it’s not.” – Dylan Moran

“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.” – Unknown

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”- Lt. Frank Drebin

“I’m not a tech guy. I’m looking at the technology with the eyes of my customers, normal people’s eyes.” – Jack Ma

“I’m not a big fan of the gym. I do lots of outdoor activities, such as walking, hiking, and trekking.” – Henry Cavill

“I’m not good at everything, but I try my best at everything.” – Cristiano Ronaldo

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”– Erma Bombeck

“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” – Unknown

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“I’m not a fighter, but in my mind, I’m fighting every day. ‘What’s new, pussycat?’ That’s my attitude toward life.” – Michael Caine

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin

“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”– Wanda

“I’m not a good cook, but I’m a real good eater.” – Paul Prudhomme

“You know you are in love when the two of you can go grocery shopping together.” — Woody Harrelson

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown

“I’m not a cat person or a dog person. I’m a ‘leave me alone and let me sleep’ person.” – Unknown

“I’m not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.” – Bill Hicks

“I’m not really afraid of failure because I don’t think it’s the worst thing that can happen.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.” – Muhammad Ali

“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” – Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump”

“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown

“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” – Unknown

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“I told my wife she should be more affectionate. So now she’s dating other people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.” – Carol Leifer

“Why be moody when you can shake your booty?” – Unknown

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money.” – Unknown

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown

“I’m writing a letter to my dad. I can’t remember if I’m asking for money or if I’m telling him I’ve spent it.” – Carol Leifer

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason

“I put the ‘Pro’ in ‘Procrastination’.” – Unknown

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
—Joan Rivers

“I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome!” – Unknown

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott (The Office, portrayed by Steve Carell)

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.”
—Mark Twain

“I’m not addicted to chocolate. We’re just in a committed relationship.” – Unknown

“I’m not good at future planning. I don’t plan at all. I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow. I don’t have a day planner and I don’t have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future.” – Heath Ledger

“I told my computer I needed a break. Now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.” – Unknown

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen

“I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.” – Unknown

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott (The Office, portrayed by Steve Carell)

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!”

“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” – Blanche Devereaux

“I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m exhausted from being so freaking awesome yesterday.” – Unknown

“I’m the only person I know who’s lost a quarter of a billion dollars in one year. It’s very character-building.” – Elon Musk

“I’m that lazy, I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.” – Unknown

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“I’m in shape. Unfortunately, it’s the shape of a potato.” – Unknown

“I’m a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.” – Oscar Levant

“I’m a multi-millionaire. I’m not allowed to be intelligent.” – Jeremy Clarkson

“I’m a romantic. I fall for people fast and I fall hard.” – Taylor Swift

“I’m a terrible patient, and I find that doctors can be very condescending.” – Emma Watson

“I’m an actor, not a politician. I’m not a scholar of international affairs or diplomacy.” – Leonardo DiCaprio

“I’m not sure I want popular opinion on my side — I’ve noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts.” – Bethania McKenstry

“I’m not a great cook; I’m not a great artist. But I love art, and I love food, so I’m the perfect traveller.” – Michael Palin

“I’m a slow walker, but I never walk back.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I’m a writer, and what I do is write. I wasn’t able to do anything else.” – Jim Harrison

“I’m not good at future planning. I don’t plan at all. I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow. I don’t have a day planner and I don’t have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future.” – Heath Ledger

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

“I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.” – Frankie Boyle

“I’m not a vegetarian! I’m a dissertation.” – Bill Watterson

“I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream.” – Unknown

“I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.” – Unknown

“I’m at the age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humour suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.” – Unknown

“I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown

“I’m at the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.” – Unknown

“I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” – Unknown

“I’m at the age where my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller

“I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humour suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.” – Unknown

“I’m not ageing, I’m marinating.” – Unknown

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown

“I’m at the age where my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller

“I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.” Geraldine Ferraro

“I’m a comedian who happens to be Latino. What’s the harm in that?” – George Lopez

“I’m not a chef. But I’m passionate about food – the tradition of it, cooking it, and sharing it.” – Zac Posen

“I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see in a crowd” – Unknown

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